Conditional Crisis (A story beyond horizon)

I have always loved writing, from writing in my diary for the last fifteen years to writing long essays for my English paper in school. Never did I know, it'll become my identity, a path to liberation and my soulmate.

2016 was the year when it all started. If I visualize that moment, the famous song, "I knew you were trouble when you walked in" starts playing. No, it was not love at first sight, merely an attraction at first sight or maybe a crush passing with time.

The real trouble started when I realized it was no infatuation. It was love, a very deep love honestly. I started seeing his photographs on social media with a certain girl, day in and day out. Though I never had any expectations but I don't know why, I couldn't bear it. My soul was on fire. I had noone to share my plight with. I never let him know either. I started writing poems- some on him, some on me. It liberated my innermost thoughts, which were corroding my soul. My sadness, worries, anxieties were all poured into thin sheets of paper, only to bear it ecstatically.

These poems helped me in bit part way. He somehow came to know that he was my subject. I thought he will drift away, as staying even after knowing will only spark false hopes. But he didn't. He spoke like a friend and cared like a brother. Life was hard back then as I was going to appear for an exam which meant the world to me. He was my only strength and weakness. My insecurities were growing exponentially, so was his friendship with that other girl. He used to be there for me, but why and how long? Such questions haunted me. I endured and continued writing. This time he knew they were solely on him. It was not that he didn't clear my insecurities, he did actually, 'everytime' if I am honest. He always mentioned clearly that neither he has feelings for "anyone" nor he'll develop. Questions remained. How long? How long will he be there just to "support" me?

March 2018, a day to remember!! A message popped on my screen - "Will you be mine?", my heart skipped a beat and I typed "yes". That day a new relation started (and temporarily ending his friendship with that girl). But the sadness of the broken heart was heavier than the happiness of the new tie. He was sad and unavailable that entire night, and I was crying alone.

It was when I realized that he came only because "I" loved him and not he. Supporting me in my endeavour was his mission. Not a pinch of bad intentions, only a hand to help genuinely. Though he took a cruel way by dishonouring my love with words like help and support. Like an optimist of developing feelings sooner or later he thought, but you can't just imagine stuffs and sit on it, right? A girlfriend tag was all he gave. No one knew about us or my existence in his life apart from us. He never felt the desire to share things or feelings.

He really meant that message - I was his, he was not mine.

Writing again came to my rescue. This time write-ups were on 'US'- how privileged I feel (he used to appreciate with just one emoji). My diary was full of grievances and sometimes I did share with him. He read, even understood and again CONSOLED. Yes, he tolerated a lot of my "tantrums" and took the entire world on his head whenever I was upset because of him. Caring was beyond limit and he even claimed once or twice of having similar feelings for me. Maybe to give me a ray of happiness when I was inconsolable! I'll never say he did nothing for me, because he did. He was there for me when nobody else was and I'm still adamant on the fact that he is one of a kind. He can never dream of harming anyone and is full of hearts of gold, yes I said "HEARTS OF GOLD"(not heart). Anyone who gets his love in future will be extremely lucky as he is always ready to help. He has helped me in every way possible. But I was hell tired of these words "Help" and "Sympathy". Made me feel as the most helpless, hard-to-love kind of girl. Like I have forcefully kept him. I have never expected anything from him the way a normal girlfriend would expect from a boyfriend. We have never been in that comfort zone. He never broke that ice. But couldn't I expect a mere 1%? Couldn't I ??

*He really meant that message - "I was his, he was not mine."*

The sick part was, he never accepted this truth and didn't deny it either.

I was not happy, more so because he was not happy. He was stuck with someone whom he can't love. I was stuck with someone who cannot love me back and both of us deserved more. Though I was sure about my instincts, I wanted to hear it from him. It will be easier for both of us, to come to a conclusion. This aim along with my insecurities and depression made me very aggressive and rude with words. I used to react at the smallest of things and he started drifting away, slowly and surely. But we could never break that thread for once and for all, even though the thread was stretched beyond its limit.

The story has no ending. Yes, I was successful in knowing the truth from him- that he was never there in that relationship. It was made of pure love but only from my side. Though things have officially ended, it hasn't. The thread has broken but some mysterious force is holding the two pieces from two ends. I don't know why. I don't know for how long. This story has no climax. No conclusion. Because it is real. It "ends" with confusion. It "ends" midway. I'm still in the middle of life- putting my entire faith on destiny which must have completed this story by now. I am yet to read it.